WHY PEOPLE QUIT CHURCH?

Why do people leave church? This is the question I have heard discussed quite a bit recently with some of my friends both in the Church and office. I thought today’s youth of Cherubim and Seraphim Churches are only people leaving their church but it is a worldwide issues. A senior brother looks at the activities going on in the church and said; Brother, it is time to leave.

I got worried.

I started to search for more information then I got this write up by Benjamin L. Corey on WHY PEOPLE LEAVE CHURCH?

1. People leave church when they don’t find Jesus.

Church of all places should look like Jesus! Church should be a place where people are busy loving the unlovable, embracing the outcast, serving the widow, immigrant and fatherless. It should be a place where power is rejected, gender and race is irrelevant, and where the most coveted position is the position of servant.

I think we need to just start being honest with ourselves and admit that a lot of people reject our churches because they’re too interested in Jesus to accept a counterfeit version.

When I look at the story of Jesus, I am consistently moved by the way people were attracted to his personality. With the exception of religious conservatives, everyone longed to be around Jesus and went to great lengths and great risk to spend time with him. I am convinced that if we built loving communities of faith that were raw and authentic, that embraced the excluded, and were known by how well they loved others, there wouldn’t be an empty chair in the sanctuary.

2. People leave church because they feel lonely.

The feeling of being excluded, by definition, creates an intense loneliness. Being one of the only people living raw and authentically in a quest for community, is a lonely feeling. Being the one person who can’t, in good conscience, sign onto the same statement of faith that the group has, is a lonely feeling. Watching cliques form as an outsider, and watching people who rise to esteemed positions by way of church politics, is a lonely feeling.

People leave church because they start to feel like an outsider, and that makes them lonely. It is an emotion that is painful, powerful, and given enough time, unbearable. If leaving church is what’s needed to stop feeling so lonely and to stop feeling like an outsider– they’ll do it (and it would be the right decision).

 3. People leave church because they’re looking for something authentic.

The word authentic means: “not false, but real… therefore reliable and trustworthy”. Ironically, I can think of no more authentic message than the loving and very real message of Jesus.

However, the way we often live that out is far from authentic. In scripture we see authenticity being something God loves; my favorite characters in the Bible are the people who were raw and who told God exactly what was on their mind, minus a filter. These are the people, such as David, whom God calls “friend”.

Yet, church often becomes a place where you want to be anything but real. It’s just not safe to do so- especially with people who are busy pretending they have it all together but still seem to have enough time to be your worst critic.

People want to do church with people who are real, people who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable in relationship, and who are willing to sit beside you in the messiness of life. When church feels fake and like it’s not a safe place to be vulnerable, people leave in hopes they’ll find someplace that is.

 4. People leave church when they feel like they need to become a carbon copy of an individual or ideal in order to be fully included and appreciated.

During the times when I have found myself church shopping online, one of the first things I look at is the church’s statement of faith. This isn’t so much because I care about what they believe (although, I obviously do) but because I want to know if I’m going to be required to be a detailed copy of everyone else to be accepted. When I see a ten-page statement of faith the spells out everything from “Who is God” to “Why we believe the rapture will happen next Tuesday”, it tells me that there will be no room for me to live, breathe, or be my own person– my acceptance will depend on whether or not I am a carbon copy of everyone else.

People want to be who God made them– they don’t want to be a carbon copy of who God made you. When we feel forced to fit into a predetermined mold as to what a member of this community must look like, we leave (or in my case, I don’t ever go to begin with).

Most people don’t want to be like everyone else, and when a certain culture tells them they must become a clone as a condition of acceptance, many will leave instead of submitting to such a dehumanizing experience.

5. People leave church because of controlling leaders and unskilled teachers.

Leaders make or break an organization, and church is no different. When the pastor or church leader(s) come across as controlling (whether it is real or perceived) it creates an environment that doesn’t feel safe to people. No one wants to be controlled or dominated in church– not even the people who assimilate and eventually tolerate such environments. Instead, people want to feel heard and included in issues of decision making and long-term vision. Too often, it seems like the kids who are picked on in high school either become cops or pastors so that they can control other people- and they become increasingly intoxicated with their own perceived power. When people like me smell this, we bolt.

Likewise, you can have a church with a great community and a loving pastor– but a pastor who happens to be differently gifted outside the realm of preaching, and lose people. The longest 45 minute blocks in my life have been when I have been forced to sit and listen to a person fly the plane around the pulpit ten times, without ever landing. Bad preaching is miserable. If people feel like the preaching sucks, they’ll leave in search of something else. We need to make sure we place people in positions to serve in accordance with their abilities AND passions, not just their passions.

6. People leave church because of unresolved conflict.

As mentioned above, any community is going to have conflict. However, a healthy and life-giving community is one that practices healthy conflict resolution in order to keep relationships safe and whole. Some churches do a fantastic job at helping individuals reconcile their differences in loving ways which deescalate and restore, while others have skewed ideas of what reconciliation looks like. Too often, wounded people are told, or are caused to feel, as if their emotional response to being wounded is somehow wrong or sinful. We can be encouraged to “forgive and forget”, “get over it”, or even told we have “no right to feel that way”. We fail to realize that wounded people need to have their feelings validated, and need to have a place to air their hurts in a way that causes them to feel heard. If we want people to stop leaving church, we need to develop radical humility and become the peacemakers that Jesus claimed would be blessed.

7. People leave church because they need less drama in their lives.

 I don’t know about you, but my life always seems to have enough drama in it– I certainly don’t need anything that is going to add to the drama factor. So often, people seek out church because they need a reprieve, a refuge from the emotional drama of day to day living. However, far too often church relationships find a way to add to your drama. Now, I get that we’re all imperfect and that any group will have their own conflict, but some churches seem to do drama more than others. Our jobs, family dynamics and friendships provide us with enough opportunity to be gossiped about, back-stabbed, and pushed to the margins- we don’t need to add to that. Church needs to be a safe place where one can escape the typical relational drama we all face and instead experience loving support and acceptance. When church just becomes another area that is going to add drama to my life, I need to cut the cord and move on for my own sanity. Which leads me too…

8. People leave church when they can’t find community.

This is one of those reasons where it can serve as a reason why people come to church in the first place, and also becomes a reason why they leave– people want community. So many of us are tired of doing life on our own, tired of plastic American relationships, and are looking for deep, loyal, and authentic communal relationships. This should be a central goal of churches– building community. Why? Christianity was never meant to be lived out in the context of isolation, but rather in the context of community. When people can’t find community, can’t plug-in or access meaningful relationships, they split in hopes they’ll find it somewhere else. When a church learns to do community well, it is a life-giving experience. When churches fail to build community, church just becomes another item on your list that sucks the life out of you. I have experienced church both ways and can honestly say that I’m finished investing emotional energy into churches that don’t build a culture that values authentic community.

TODAY, TODAY,TODAY AND TODAY

Today is the most important day of my life. Yesterday with its successes and victories, struggles and failures is gone forever. The past is past. Done. Finished. I cannot relive it.  I cannot go back and change it. But I will learn from it and improve my Today.

Today, This moment, NOW, It is God’s gift to me and it is all that I have. Tomorrow with all its joys and sorrows, triumphs and troubles isn’t here yet. Indeed, tomorrow may never come. Therefore, I will not worry about tomorrow. Today is what God has entrusted to me. It is all that I have.  I will do my best in it. I will demonstrate the best of me in it—my character, giftedness, and abilities—to my family and friends, clients and associates. I will identify those things that are most important to do Today, and those things I will do until they are done. And when this day is done I will look back with satisfaction at that which I have accomplished. Then, and only then, will I plan my tomorrow, Looking to improve upon Today, with God’s help. Then I shall go to sleep in peace…content.

As I reflect on this poem, these are the questions that I ask myself:
• What have I learned today?
• Did I accomplish what was most important today?
• Did I give my best today?
• Have I been a good steward of the gift of today that God has given to me?

Following is an excerpt from my life plan and my personal vision for the important aspects of my life:

• Spiritual - Seek daily to live as a fully devoted follower of Christ
• Marriage - Translate my unconditional love for my wife into irrepressible actions that fulfill her “love languages”
• Children - Love and honor my children and do my best to raise them so that they become thriving adults and lifelong friends
• Ministry - Use my spiritual gifts and abilities to impact others and be a catalyst in other’s spiritual growth
• Relationships - Build healthy relationships with others for the purpose of sharpening and encouraging each other
• Career - Give my absolute best, be a leader worth following and seek to impact the lives of others
• Personal Growth - Seek to grow daily as a person and be committed to life-long learning
• Recreation - Live deliberately and fully enjoy each moment of life so that when I die I will have squeezed the most possible out of life and have no regrets
• Finance - Be a great steward and invest and give with incredible wisdom and generosity
  I’ve learned that the only way that I’ll be able to fulfill the above vision for my life is to be incredibly focused on maximizing each day.  So, are you maximizing each “today” that you have?
  
  We’d love to hear about how you are maximizing each day. Share with us below or on englishchapel.csmcottaroad@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing your best practices and learning from you.

THE BENEFITS OF LISTENING TO GOD'S VOICE

Numbers 22: 12-22
Often we wonder, "Can I really know the will of God for my life?" The Bible teaches us many facts about hearing God’s voice. Let’s take a look at just one example that helps us learn about the benefits of listening to God’s voice.

It was the perfect will of God that Balaam NOT go with the men of Moab. But Balaam disobeyed God’s voice and went with them. When he did he was walking in disobedience to what God had revealed to him was His will for Balaam to do...not to go.

Vs. 17 Balak’s offer of riches tempted Balaam so he went to God...a second time. God had already given His answer. But, Balaam wanted a different answer. Because of Balaam’s evil heart of greed, God was angry and let him go and do what he really wanted to do. How many times do we go to God and ask and ask and ask again for something He has already answered or showed us His way for us to go? But, we have a certain answer we are hoping for. Maybe we’re like Balaam and are led aside by our own desires or maybe we lack interest in what God is asking us to do. Balaam sought God, but, he wasn’t really seeking God’s will. His heart wasn’t in it. In his position, it would be expected of him. He was performing his role. Have you found yourself in that position? A believer, so, of course, you go to God when you
need something, but, at the same time your heart isn’t really looking for what God will say... you already have an idea of what you will do...what you will say...where you will go.

Through failure as well as success, the believer is learning to hear God’s voice. Through both positive and negative experiences he is continuing his growth in understanding the principles of a God-directed life. This is liberating. This frees us and assures us of a more joyful life. The will of God becomes a challenge of learning to align your life with His plan. Balaam’s journey resulted in a series of trying encounters with Balak which could have been avoided if Balaam had obeyed God’s voice and never gone in the first place. There are many examples in God’s Word that teach us it is best to obey God the first time He speaks to us. Jonah never would have experienced the inside of a whale’s belly, the Israelites wouldn’t have wondered for 40 years if they had taken the Promise Land the first time they were instructed to.

There are some facts we should know about God’s will that will help us to understand it is the absolute best for us:

1. He wants you to know His will (Eph. 5:17)
2. His will is planned
3. His plan is individual and personal for each person (Ps. 139:16)
a. Bible confirms this by showing us He placed men in specific situations at exact times for special purposes
4. His will is not man’s way (Is. 55:8) My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways
5. His will is good
6. God’s plan is continuous
We are His workmanship--He is constantly working in our lives, He desires to make you complete

Where does your walk fit in? Do your steps line up with God’s? Or are you going your own way (upward dash)? If that is you, I encourage you stop; realize that you are going in an opposite direction from God’s plan for you. Today you can turn back to God and start walking in step with Him. You can line up the lights of your life’s ship to see clearly the way to go. If you’re ready to do that, stand up. Let’s tell God we see that we are going in the wrong direction and we want to come back...we want to hear His voice once again in our lives and follow His leading.

PRETENDERS II

If you’ve ever led people, you’ve come across followers who would rather act the part than do their part. On the surface, they appear to be productive members of the team. But if you look closely, you’ll see cracks in their façade. These people are pretenders. Pretenders do everything they can to look like players. In fact, they’re motivated more by appearing productive than by being productive. With them on a team, momentum suffers and relationships are compromised. They can’t be trusted to do the work, because they’re so focused on how they appear.

Fortunately, there are subtle ways to tell a player from a pretender. Here is some guiding principles: Pretenders look the part, talk the part, and claim the part, but fall short of fulfilling the part. Here are some other specific differences:

1. Players have a servant’s mindset. Pretenders have a selfish mindset.
Players do things for the benefit of others and the organization, while pretenders think only of benefitting themselves. Pretenders are narrowly focused only on outcomes that are in their best interest.

2.  Players are mission-conscious. Pretenders are position-conscious.
Players will give up a position to achieve a mission. Pretenders will give up a mission to achieve a position. For players, the success of the mission is much more important than their own place within it. But pretenders will value their position more highly than just about anything else.

3. Players can deliver the goods. Pretenders only promise the goods.
Players are team members who can be counted on to finish a task every time. Pretenders will always claim the ability to do so; but in the end, they do not consistently execute.

4. Players are job-happy: they love what they do and do it well. Pretenders are job-hunters: they can’t do what they do where they are, but they think they could do it better somewhere else.
For players, the work is fulfilling and meaningful, and they are devoted to doing it well. Pretenders are so focused on appearing competent that they cannot always be competent. And again, because of the focus on appearance, pretenders won’t admit fault when mistakes are made. Thus, they believe that problems are the fault of the workplace, not of them.

5. Players love to see others succeed. Pretenders are only interested in their own success.
I think we all start out as competitors, but the goal is to grow past that. In my adult life, I have evolved from competitor, to personal achiever, to team player, and on to team builder. A player is happy when another member of the team succeeds, because it benefits all. The pretender sees success as a win-lose proposition, and resents it when another person “wins.”

6. Players value integrity. Pretenders value image.
For ships, the rule is that the part that’s under the surface should weigh more than what’s above the surface. Otherwise, a ship will be top-heavy and capsize in a storm. Integrity is like that: what’s under the surface has to be greater than that which is in plain sight. A player can be counted on to do the right thing even if nobody is looking. Pretenders may only do the right thing when others are looking, and whatever is expedient when others are not.

7. Players make the hard choices. Pretenders make the easy choices.
With a hard choice, the price is paid on the front end; the payoff only comes later. Few people gather to affirm the hard choice, and it almost always includes risk. And the hard choice usually places others and the organization above self. Players make those decisions. Pretenders avoid them, because the risk outweighs the acclaim.

8. Players finish well. Pretenders fade out.
Some people start as players, but turn into pretenders. Why? I believe it’s because they make the choice to begin, but get tired of the work it takes to continue. Or they begin and proceed until they are confronted with the need to change. Unwilling to do that, they begin pretending in order to get by. A player takes all tasks to completion

PRETENDERS

Acts 17: 13-15, Luke 22:54-62

Have you ever wondered why some people pretend to do the will of God but are really using it as a cloud to cover over their personal ambitions? A pretender is a person who falsely professes to be something that they are not. Pretenders cleverly find ways to stretch the truth for their own advantages. Doing things in the name of religion has caused numerous wars, skirmishes and conflicts throughout history. The Jews in this passage tried convinced everyone they were doing the will of God by whipping up opposition to Paul and the gospel. The Jewish zealots continually agitated the crowds against Paul. They thought they were doing God a favor. Not only were their motives wrong but also their understanding of God’s truth. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of trying to carry out your personal agenda under the guise of doing the will of God. Ask the Lord to expose pretenders for what they are as a warning to everyone.

Pretenders wrongly think they are defending truth when they are actually discrediting themselves. The Jews failed to realize that they were condemning themselves by their pretentious words, attitudes and actions. Paul wrote, “You can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth.” (2 Cor. 13:8) Ask the Lord to help you work for the truth by the virtues of your personal lifestyle, through your relationships and in your ministries.

Pretenders tend to deceive themselves about what is profitable. The Jews failed to realize that they were not fighting against Paul, but against God and His truth – what losers! Ask the Lord to help you avoid living with any trace of pretension.

Pretenders will go to great lengths to mask their mistaken notions. The Jews sent religious persecutors sixty miles from Thessalonica to Berea to persecute Paul. They spared no expense to thwart Paul and his ministry of the gospel. Do not become alarmed when pretenders go to any lengths to discourage you from doing all that God requires. Ask the Lord to help you prepare yourself with Biblical response to all the attacks that will come from the pretentious.

Pretenders usually act out of fear, ignorance or anger. Try not to take the attacks of pretentious people personally. Most of time, pretenders are trying to unload their deep-seated dissatisfaction, disillusionment or despondency on others. Pretenders lack a real sense of purpose and connection to the truthful one. Ask God to give you the grace and wisdom to not over-react.

Do not allow pretenders to deter you from accomplishing all that God wants you to do. Paul did not hesitate to move ahead with God’s plans for His life – amidst great persecution from the Jewish fanatics. Most wars are won when the other side becomes demoralized. Do not give into their pretentiousness. You are more than a conqueror through Him who loves you.